I saw a movie this evening -- The Interpreter. It was a fairly straightforward mystery/thriller, but it touched on many deep issues: what is home, dealing with grief, fitting yourself into the world, making difficult choices. As with all excellent movies, it was a story well-told and engaging. It not only held your attention and kept you interested, it gave you something to take with you and think about.
Before I'm accused of self-aggrandizement, let me state for the record that I didn't see myself in any of the movie characters, I just saw an identity conflict, something I feel like I'm dealing with right now. In the movie, the interpreter, played by Nicole Kidman, was conflicted between her violent past and her current choice to work for the UN peacefully. I am conflicted about both my work and home lives.
At work, I am primarily responsible for creating content that runs in the product. While there is some creativity to this, it is primarily a matter of working within the framework others have created, and occasionally suggesting changes or improvements. There is very little opportunity to do something new. Because of that, I don't feel all that engaged. I don't feel a sense of ownership... I feel as if I am working on something very small, with no influence on the bigger picture. Maybe this is an ambition thing, but I want to see my imprint on things I work on, I want to feel like I am making a significant contribution, rather than just being directed to do things that other people think up. At Intruvert I felt this way because I was involved with the design and creation of the product from the functionality side from very early on. At my current job I came in too late in the product cycle for that.
On the other hand, at home, I am conflicted because I have dueling desires. On one side I have my outdoorsy/motorcycling independent side yearning to break loose every weekend and do things on my own or with other people of this sort. And on another I have my techno-geek desire to do things with computers or etc. And on yet another there is my girlfriend and her more homey-oriented lifestyle which is also appealing for a number of reasons, not least the simple fact of her company. I feel like I'm having trouble reconciling all of these and I don't know what to do about it.
Overall, I am confused. I'm a bit of a mess, and my personal and work lives reflect it. Things go undone, or done halfway. I have clutter in both places... And I'm not truly excelling anywhere.
Where do I go from here?
